2019

These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them. ~ RUMI

I had a very hard time writing this post as its one that puts me in a very raw and open place. I wrote it and re-wrote it countless times. I cried, got angry, yelled, cried again, cursed the Lord (I apologized and prayed for forgiveness), and then cried some more, all to get to this post. I have always prided myself of being strong, positive, and put together. And not even for the sake of other people, but mainly because that’s just what I felt I needed to do. I used to do this thing where when I was sad, I would allow ONLY two tears to fall. Like that’s it and would immediately suppress the rest and move on. So imagine what I had to be going through to be full on balling my eyes out in my kitchen, literally crying over my steak. And I mean literally, like my tears were washing away all the seasoning. I had been dreading the arrival of the Holiday season. Normally the holiday season is my favorite time of the year; right after Halloween I’m ready to decorate and have a Christmas music going. But I just couldn’t seem to get into the holiday spirit.

You see, this time last year my grandfather got unexpectedly sick and suddenly died. And I guess I shouldn’t say suddenly because he was diagnosed in November 2018 but didn’t pass until January 2019. However the time frame in which he got sick until we said our final goodbyes felt too fast and too soon. 2018 Thanksgiving he was in the hospital for tests still making jokes still being my Papa, but by Christmas he was on bed rest, and New Year’s Eve he went into a coma and passed two weeks into. Beginning of 2019 found me in a place more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my life. Add onto this that my relationship was falling apart, my living situation was stressful, I was working overtime to finish a project at work, taking my real estate license classes, homesick, and then would go on to endure what would be a series of losing more people in my family over the next few months, I really didn’t think I would make it through 2019. I’ve somewhat always believed in God but I have rarely talk to God in my life. I’ve always been a spiritual person I believe in God and I was Christian because I was baptized Christian as a child that was the extent of my spirituality in my religion. I prayed mainly at holidays family functions and the occasional quick now I lay me down to sleep right before going to bed but prayer and God will never consistent in my life outside of going to Catholic school. I was also known to throw in an occasional nothing but the Lord or won’t he do it phrase from time to time but that was all I knew. And if you would’ve asked me in 2018 if I thought 2019 would be any different I would’ve told you know but as I transition into 2019 I was at rock-bottom spiritually and emotionally and mentally I was drained and I didn’t know how to fix anything that I was going through besides to just put on my brave face and pretend as though nothing was wrong. Which basically meant I was struggling and was completely unhappy, So I’m not exactly sure what propelled me to go to church the first Sunday in January and then to continue going from that day forward. Now here a year later I know what drove me to God, my grief, my loneliness, and my spirit. Someone in church wants told me that sometimes when we cannot find the words for what we need we can ask the Spirit to intervene and the Spirit will communicate with God on our behalf. That’s what my spirit did. I don’t like to cry so grieving in an outward expression is not something I am good however my spirit was breaking and I was at a place so dark I didn’t know how to get out from it and only thing that at one point that was keeping me going was church on Sundays, and that was the beginning. One Sunday the word move me so much that I ended up bawling my eyes out I was older lady sitting next to me. She was so sweet as she hugged me and just continue to whisper to me everything will be OK and that she was praying for me she asked me my name and promised to include me in her prayers and to look for me every Sunday. She also encouraged me to speak to God to just talk to him tell him what I was feeling, and as good as it sounded I knew part of me wasn’t ready for that. But eventually I worked up the courage and one night after two glasses of wine sat in my living room and started screaming at God. Expressed with him how mad I was how what he did to my family was unfair how we didn’t get to say goodbye to my grandfather because he was in a coma for New Year’s Eve until the day he died. How it was horrible that he left my grandmother alone to care for my great grandmother without her partner, without the man she loved. We didn’t have enough time with him how I have so many more questions and things I want to know and I can never ask him why would he do that. I told him it wasn’t fair that he would take away my uncle‘s wife Toney who was such a wonderful and beautiful woman both inside and out the love of my uncles life. And that he would take her just months after taking my grandfather from him. Expressed with him how I am still mad about losing my other grandpa my grandpa Byron when I was 16 and how I thought it was completely unfair that he would take him while I was away so I never got to say my goodbye either. I then proceeded to tell him how it was evil the way he pulls people in and out of our lives, and how can you be God who says he loves us and hurt us so much? I screamed and I cried until eventually I was just so tired and drained that I fell asleep on my couch and honestly had some of the best sleep I had in a while. That was the beginning of my true grieving and also the beginning of my path to my faith in my walk with God. The next day I felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Almost never really read my Bible app except for the one time I attempted to read the whole Bible in a year as though that would somehow make up for my true lack of faith. But that day it just so happened that the Bible verse of the day popped up on my phone. The verse was not memorable but my feeling after reading it was. I felt lighter and happier. After that there was a gradual guidance of my steps from the lord. Without even thinking about it I started going to church regularly. 9:30 am every Sunday. I started reading a few bible plans in the Bible app. I started talking to God. Not in a formal all out prayer the way your grandma might, but just casually like I would with a friend. I started talking more openly about faith, my struggles, and God. Where as previously I would keep my talks more spiritual based and not directly about God. This was the start of my development, the growth of my relationship. This is what got me through 2019.

This past year was the hardest year I have gone through. I realized how broken and overwhelmed I had become, I struggled in so many aspects of my life and is ways I didn’t expect. Because of my personal turmoils I wasn’t able to accomplish many of my personal and business goals, but I accomplished more than I knew I needed to in order to set myself on the right path of my life. I can honestly say that with what I went through this year, if it had not been for God, I don’t know that I would be here. As I move into 2020 I am so excited to continue to heal and grow and become the woman of God he has destined me to be! 2020 IS NOT READY Y’ALL!